Online Manners for Queer Men 101

I, like many other homophiles will frequent chat rooms and other venues for the homosexually inclined. Seeing as how I live in an area nearly destitute of same sex opportunity structures, it helps me chat and keep in touch with other link minded folks. It serves to remind me that I live in a largely homophobic area and there aren’t easy ways of meeting and socializing. Unfortunately, many of us have internalized homophobic and HIV-related negative attitudes from those around us and it often shows in how we treat our queer brothers in our online interactions. There is a general lack of manners when dealing with each other online. Call it homophobic, racist, haters, or just being vicious and catty – the results are still the same. It certainly makes our detractors (insert title here… too many to list) happy because they don’t have to beat up on us when we will do it ourselves. What did Jesus supposedly say about a house divided against itself? Sad but true so many times in that we “eat our own” in the most vicious sense of the word.

What is it about the Internet, or being online, that makes it so easy for guys to be rude when posting? It's not even clear if guys purposely intend to be so offensive in their posts, or if they just fail to apply the same rules of etiquette for interacting with others that they hopefully use offline, but the end result is the same regardless of whether or not the actual intent is to truly be offensive. Could be that that “filter” of working through technology has deadened our ability to be nice, to be supportive of one another? Or has anonymity unleashed the beast with no barriers or manners?

Case in point - how guys express their sexual desires, interests, attractions, and/or wants and needs online. There's a positive and a negative way to communicate what kinds of partners you're interested in meeting or fucking. So why do so many guys choose to do it in a negative way. For instance, if you're not into men of color, or only men of certain races/ethnicities, why not say it in a way that doesn't offend the men that you're not interested in. Particularly since some guys will ignore you even if they're not a part of the racial/ethnic group that you offensively rejected because they find the manner in which you indicated your sexual interests offensive (not to mention a red flag of insensitivity). I’m one of those guys. You can have the nicest profile and picture, but being an asshole in your descriptive of who you think is hot and who is not…well, it just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Pun most certainly intended.

So perhaps instead of saying ''no blacks or Asians or Latinos, etc.,'' why not say something like ''I'm usually attracted to white men or Asian men or black men or Latino men or men like me (or whatever kind of men you're interested in). See how simple that is? If you're into jocks, masculine, muscular, and/or athletic guys, why not say that you're ''usually attracted to jocks / masculine / muscular / athletic guys'' rather than saying something like ''no fats / fems / queens''. Don’t even get me started on ageism here. For what that matters, men of any age have something to offer. You get the idea? Frame what you want in a way that doesn’t negate the qualities of others. We (sexual minorities) have so much shit thrown at us from outside sources, why do we sling shit at each other? It hurts us all. And stop the harassment of our HIV+ brothers online. They make the decision to be open and honest about their status, they should be applauded for taking a stand. No one needs your negative and nasty comments to them, telling them to drop dead and that they have no place online. Hector Projectors there I think your inability to be honest about your own HIV status and so you shove all that self hate towards others who have the balls to be open. So when you use tag lines such as “clean – UB2” it implies that those who are positive are dirty and unclean. Wash what you say! You might say you prefer the company of HIV negative folks. And anyways, hopefully you are having a conversation beforehand about safely and limits and testing. See? No need to bash others on the head with your words. And while we're at it, can we please permanently retire the label “straight-acting and -appearing,'' which is one of the most stupid terms I've ever heard, and not even that useful a description since one man's “straight-acting”, might be another's “crude, obnoxious bore”. Straight acting is simply what it says…straight acting...That is, it’s a façade. Why measure yourself against that very quality that you are not?  Now there’s some real internalized homophobia and self hate there. And anyway, who decides what straight acting constitutes. Be nice. Likewise, if you're into bears, try saying that you're into bears (and better yet, specify what kind of bears) instead of saying ''no skinny boys, or hairless twinks, or muscle Marys, or gym queens/gym bunnies, or steroid-induced porn star wannabes.'' It’s hate speech gentlemen! If you're not into younger guys, or older men, then try indicating the specific  ages/age ranges of the men that you want to hook up with (realizing of course that some guys may not look as old or as young as they really are). And for that matter, just as an aside, please use your own picture okay? That picture that you “borrowed” from someone else will only get you so far, and if there ever will be an actual face to face meeting, do you really think that others will not realize that you don’t look like your profile picture? Make it yours and make it current sweeties! And that also goes for any picture that you submit that supposedly represents those other “attributes” that you are advertising. So if you’re “large and in charge” – be proud…and that goes the same if you’re “teeny weeny” – it’s what ya got to work with. So then, truth in advertising! 

So the next time you're online, think well before you type. That way you're much more likely to get what you want without turning off the guys that you don't want, or the guys that you do want who were turned off by the way you expressed your interests. 

**most of this shamelessly yanked (copied and pasted) from www.shotworthy.com. It’s a great site with lots of good information. Check them out.