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Notes To Myself - Rambling


Just thinking out loud here – rambling is to follow

To go along with my last entry (song lyrics about coming to terms with yourself “when a man of my age”)

Love

It hurts. It cuts.

It’s intense.

Let me explain:

I know how I feel about Jon, we have dated for a little over two years. It’s wonderful from the get go. I’ve dated him for two years and known him for a little over three years. What I have learned, I love.  Our feelings for one another have progressed along the way.  Am I in love?  Yes. Do I love him? Yes.

Emotional barriers came tumbling down in the course of our interactions. I feel as though I know him and I equally feel that I am known by him. This is a powerful thing to me. I want this intimacy more than I care to admit.  How wonderful to share with another, to allow them to know the good and the bad, and in turn, they continue to want to know you and to be with you. The same is true in reverse, I know about him and I continue to want to be with him and to know him even more. I imagine scenarios in my mind about the two of us.

Something internal is going on with me as of late.  I have had lots of time to reflect and in the course of all of this inner dialogue and reflection that I have been having I have a deeper realization of just how strongly I feel for him. My volume dial got dialed up all the way to maximum.  This is a good thing. I don’t think I have taken him for granted, but I have this pressing need to make sure that in my words and actions that he knows. I need him to be able to see this.

There is also fear mixed up with all of this. Fear of loss, fear of rejection, all those things that come with attachment.  I feel this acutely. I cannot imagine not knowing him as I know him now. Self doubt has dragged all my insecurities along with it, and at times it speaks so loudly and unfairly colors my world. I have struggled with these sorts of things all my life. I am trying to center myself and be rational about all of this. When has love ever been rational?  Love is so blind.  Some days are easier to cast all this negativity away. Today has not been one of those days.  I know I’m not the only one who experiences these things but that’s how it feels at times.

I’ll be working on this as best I can.  He’s important to me. Wish me well in this endeavor.

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