Let Go Or Be Dragged

The following thoughts have been simmering in my mind as of late. I’ve had a lot of time to think during my recent bout of illness. I wasn’t feeling well enough to do anything else and so I had time to contemplate my current state of  internal affairs, that is, do a self inventory of sorts.

I discovered that I was believing something that was no longer true, I was holding on to something that had passed, but in my mind, it was still something for me to latch onto and to “keep alive” and kicking so to speak. I know I shouldn’t believe everything I think, but was surprised when I examined this particular item. Perhaps I should say this was more of an assumption than anything, but I do think I have been cultivating this idea and giving it life, when in all reality, I should have released it some time ago.  A relationship that had come and gone, and yet, I found myself attached to this thought process that it was something still, and in thinking about this, I realized I was ordering much of my life around it. A cage of my own making. Chirp, chirp, chirp sings the caged bird.  My feelings about this person and my desire for a continuation had taken on a reality of its own.  I know this isn’t earth shattering in the least, but I found myself responding to something and expending energy on a phantom, playing to smoke and mirrors. This is not a commentary on what the relationship had been, not an evaluation of  the worth of that person to me. I value what it was, I still value who he is. I’m talking about NOW, the realization of how things truly are at this place and time. This starts and ends with me. Time to let go, time to regroup.  I’ve been unwilling to acknowledge this before now.

I think it was grounded in fear. I've always been a fearful person of sorts. Not sure if that is my general disposition, or if it came along for the ride with my religious upbringing. I have some fear of being alone. Instead of welcoming this time of solitude (personally) I've been consumed with it. Feeding it and in turn, harboring thoughts that just aren't true. I think I function best in relation to another person, but, that's not always going to be possible, or even practical. I can't stop functioning and living just because I am alone.  What does my current situation afford me right now?  I don't really believe that another person makes me "whole." Wholeness is something that I should cultivate now. I have been, but again, this is an acknowledgement of sorts, a reminder to myself. I love being involved with another person, but I know that I'm perfectly fine just the way I am right now. I'm not looking for someone else to come along and make things right or pave the way for me. I can do this myself. And I should plan on doing it myself. No expectations, they choke me, they make me smaller than what I am. Go on alone and enjoy the ride.

This was also attached to something that I had also more clearly noticed, and these things feed into one another, a strange amalgam of sorts.  That is, always looking and emphasizing those things in common with others, and if given the chance, to edit myself and my interests, my likes and dislikes, in order to be a better “fit” and assimilate. While this in and of itself is not a bad thing, it does mean I know how to adapt and compromise – the awkward social creature that I am.  But what it does mean is that, for me, I should stop the scrutiny that I place myself under when it comes to others.  I shouldn’t worry what others think, and I should not compare myself to others. My views are my views, my likes and dislikes are mine, not everything should be sorted out and be an average of sorts. When coming to terms with my sexuality and orientation, I spent such a long time convincing myself and others that “I was just like them” in most areas. Again, this is an adaptation process, and it serves me well. Well, I’m not like everyone else, and although I have been comfortable in this INTERNALLY for so many years, I don’t think I’ve really ever allowed it to surface and flourish. Life is balance and perhaps the pendulum is moving and I’m moving around on this continuum somewhat. Not wanting extremes, but also not wanting to ignore things. I believe in diversity, and I welcome this in others, but I have not allowed myself this same courtesy. Again, I have been in a cage of my own making, being both captive and captor. I see the cage, I see an open door, and it’s time to venture out. Even if timidly at first, it’s time to explore these new thoughts and assumptions and see where they lead.