Learning that Robin Williams died by his own hand was a
surprise to me. Knowing that he had been battling deep depression gave me
pause to reflect. I’ve noticed many people discussing the topic of depression and even
sharing from their own struggles on various social media platforms. This is
encouraging. It really is. There remains such secrecy and stigma surrounding
mental health issues. Some of you have “come out” and identified with
depressive episodes. May I add to this conversation as well? My family and
close friends have known this is something I have struggled with on and
off all of my life. I don’t know what Robin Williams was struggling with, however I
can still empathize and identify with his struggle. I certainly don’t know how he was
feeling, but my heart is heavy to think that he pursued that particular path to
ending his pain and suffering. At the worst and lowest points in my own
episodes, all I could process was that this pain I experienced would never
subside. I could not imagine a time when I would not be utterly fatigued and
devoid of energy. The heaviness behind my eyes made my head hurt to where I
could not think clearly or concisely for extended periods of time. All I wanted
to do was sleep and then found that I could not stay asleep. I’d wake up at the
oddest hours and be unable to settle back down. Lack of rest fueled my descent
into the void. There was no “willing myself to snap out of it.” There was no “fake
it till you make it,” no comfort from the words of wisdom from anyone. I was told to
pray and trust God, told that He would never lay anything on me that I couldn't
handle. People mean well, I think they do, but sometimes there is a lack of knowledge,understanding or wisdom about these things. Well meaning people said things
that they hoped to be true, or maybe they said the things that they did because
they really didn't know what else to say. I wasn't resentful for what they
said, I just didn't find it useful. It didn't help me. Not being able to cope
and “rise above it” encouraged caustic and harmful internalized self-talk that
was just suffocating.
I am grateful for kind and patient friends and for access to
mental health professionals. My downward spiral wasn't something that could be “fixed”
in three easy steps, or by attending three twenty minute sessions with a
counselor. My last depressive episode lasted for over six months and I could
not see my way out. What helped me was a combination of weekly therapy,
medications (had to try various to get dosage and type down pat), socialization
and only taking very, very small steps (daily goals). That was what worked for
me. What worked for me will not work for everyone. I think what happened to Robin Williams is
extremely sad. We just don’t know what people are going through – this was a
man that to many seemed to have everything – and yet he was in his own personal
prison.
I hope people keep talking about depression. We don’t fund
mental health programs like we should. I work for the State of Tennessee and my
employee benefits are shit when it comes to accessing mental health services.
Some of us need mental health services like we need health care providers. We need regular check ups and appointments.
But we cannot access them the same way we do our doctors. And what about those
who don’t have any access to these important services?
Share your stories and struggles. What I have read so far
helps me. It’s a reminder that I am not the only one who faces these things. It
gives me hope. It tells me I should be on the lookout for my friends and family
as they may be facing these very things themselves. There’s also something
empowering about sharing something that you previously kept hidden and secret.
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