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Bitchfest: My Momemtary Lack of Control

Can I take just a minute and complain?  I need to vent and release for just a moment. I hate this, but my internal and external worlds are having some difficulty. I want a reset button. Really, I want to reset and cope. But right now, at this moment I need to exorcise my thoughts and concerns. I feel guilty already, I KNOW others have it much worse than I, overall life is good. I admire those folks I know who go on day in and day out shouldering their own illnesses and nary a peep out of them. I want to be like them, I admire them, and I love them.  I feel like I'm about to explode. Now that being said, a moment of pure self indulgent whining:

  • I'm tired of this goddamn mystery illness
  • I'm tired of being so exhausted by the time I come home from work that I cannot do anything else but rest
  • I'm tired of having blood taken repeatedly and STILL not having a clue of what's going on other than "we're still looking for a reason for your hemoglobin/blood loss"
  • I'm tired of making continuous mistakes at home and work because I cannot concentrate and stay focused on a task that takes any measure of time to be committed to
  • I'm tired of not being able to walk across campus without thinking I'm going to pass out. 
  • I'm tired of not being able to exercise or engage in any other activity right now. 
  • I'm off track for my dissertation right now.... cannot concentrate
  • I'm tired and feeling really alone and lonely right now
    • all of this has left me feeling very obsolete and unattractive right now

There, that should do it. No comments are necessary. This is how I adapt. And now to rest for tomorrow. Thank you for your indulgence. 

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