Found this on my laptop. During my last depressive episode years ago, I wrote this as part of my recovery. I put this out here as an example of what can happen, what did happen to me, and how I came back to the land of the living. I don't claim that this works for anyone. However, it is what worked for me.
Prescription
Where I Was
Shortly after the death of Rumor and the loss of a
meaningful job in HIV Services, my life changed rather dramatically and
quickly. Understandably I was grieving the loss of my animal companion.
Honestly, I was unprepared for what his death signaled for me in the form of
consequences. Uncontrollable emotional outbursts, guilt, and sorrow at the loss
of him. Downward spiral mentally, to mental confusion and an inability to
concentrate or focus on anything school wise for any length of time. My own
personal issues of control and my own views on what kind of student and
researcher I SHOULD be only added to this black hole that I was circling.
Depression set in and with it, all the fatigue, sleeplessness, numbness and
hopelessness that I could not have imagined came with it. I was a raw nerve,
and at my lowest, I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. I thought of scenarios that would end my life.
I could not see past what was right in front of my face. I stopped doing
anything meaningful and disappeared for all intensive purposes.
Where I Am
Still a jab in the heart when I think about Rumor, and I do
think about him from time to time. But now it’s tempered with some fond
memories and an appreciation for what he brought to my life and I hopefully to
his. (Of course by writing this I am tearing up – but even that is not as
severe a response as it was before). I’m functioning again, sleeping well and
social once more. Internal reserves are not quite full but there is some give
and take on issues. My REVISED timeline for my dissertation – well – I’m not
there yet, BUT I am writing and thinking about my project once more. I’m
exercising regularly and I am keeping to a more regular sleep cycle. I’m
enjoying personal things more now and making some time for myself.
How I Got Here
·
Therapy
(professional and friends based) – if this happens again – go before
things are way over your head – talk to someone.
·
Medication – took some time to figure out the
right mix chemically and then some time to give it room to work. Don’t self
medicate or stop taking meds without first consulting mental health
professionals. Trazadone does wonders
for sleep
·
Exercise
- it really works. May take some time to kick in for those brain
chemicals to start doing their thing but it gets me active and moving and out
of the house. Walking especially until you feel better. Make yourself move and
move until you feel better. (I think this was key to moving me out of my
depressive state)
·
Don’t be such a BFH (i.e., big fat hypocrite) –
in other words, the freedom and breadth that you allow others to be when it
comes to living life – extend this courtesy to yourself. Allow your humanness
to present itself with all of its imperfections
·
Negative self talk and self imposed expectations
will derail you every time. Learn to recognize these things for what they are
and then push back. Break down tasks into smaller tasks. Refer back to the big
picture but don’t constantly be looking at everything that has to be done.
·
Sometimes doing something (even if not related
to school expectations) is better than not doing anything at all.
·
Having some sort of regular schedule (time to
rise - to work – to bed) helps structure
the day
·
Creative writing – to just be creative.
·
Chill the fuck out. Relax and be good to yourself.
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