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I Don’t Know How To Say Goodbye to You


I reached my tipping point yesterday evening. Try as I might, I can no longer ignore what I have known for some time and from what others have been saying to me as well.  I cannot ignore your prejudicial and homophobic comments any longer. Although not personally directed at me, they nonetheless are directed at me as I am part of a sexual minority community and I proudly identify as a gay man.  You must have known this would be forthcoming or perhaps insensitive and hateful speech just roll out of your mouth like toilet paper on the roll. Both are full of shit. You know full well what my journey has been in discovery and acceptance of myself. You were a witness to this in the beginning.
I’ve struggled with this for a time, that is, I never allow people off the hook for minimizing others in regards to presentation, affectional orientation, race or religious belief. I call it out immediately, but I realized some time ago that I was not forthcoming in calling people out who directed these things towards me.  I’ve talked with friends about this and the advice was always the same “why do you put up with that shit” or “I don’t understand why you need to keep in contact with these sorts of people.” I’ve been asking myself the same questions. Why do I put up with this? Why did I keep choosing to keep in contact?
Am I just needy? Maybe, but I would like to think that it’s more than that.  It’s not fear based …that I do know as I have no fear of anyone where this is concerned. I worked through this years ago, and once I conquered fear (at least in this area of my life) it is no longer the mind killer.  I do have issues in wanting everyone to like me, for good or bad, I recognize this flavoring of my personality.  I try and keep it in check and some days are better than others.
Obviously I have an attachment here. Partially for shared history and memories here. You were once my biggest defender and not only me but the many other gay men in your life.  Open-minded and inclusive (or so it seemed). Perhaps it’s just that time has weathered on you and your positions have changed. I’ll give you that.  And belief is something that can be discussed and in most cases not something that I would demand that we all should be agreement about. But, we’re not talking about belief here, we’re talking about people here, not a belief system, but how on some fundamental level that people identify with and operate.  And then there’s how you speak of them and refer to them and spout off minimizing and discriminatory remarks in regards to their struggles.  Shame on you. Hypocrite.Your words matter, they either edify those who are struggling, or they can reinforce fears and doubts and lessen our worth and our efforts.  Given your religious belief I would think that you would have more sensitivity to how marginalized folks are treated and represented. And given your own background in being accepted and going through various processes that your life experiences have produced, I’m more than a little surprised at what I read at times.
I have trouble letting go of things. Maybe I fear that by letting go that I nullify everything from the past? Or that I care about you? Or how thankful I was to have you in my life? Given how our paths diverged years ago and we went down vastly different paths – perhaps this was to be expected.  Attachment causes suffering and this has been a thorn in my thumb. I just know that I cannot ignore what my atman is telling me, that this is something that should not continue. It’s hurtful to me on a personal level, and detrimental to my own well being. I'd like to be a better person and say it doesn't affect me, but I'll be honest enough to say that it does. Perhaps I need to grow a pair. Perhaps the pair I have are adequate. I’m not going to argue or try and convince you of the error of your ways. That in of itself would be selfish on my part and controlling. Not my way, not anymore. People change and respond to those things that they connect with and with what rings true to them. On one hand, I am saddened by this, it’s understandable and proper to experience this (and another example of the power of attachment) Time to let go, time to walk away - my own disappearing act of a sorts. Time to honor those things that resonate as truthful to me, and to build up my community and self. Best wishes to you on your own journey.  Namaste’ and goodbye. End of transmission. 
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