Something’s been brewing in the back of my mind for a bit. I
hesitate to write it out, as it is sure to be misinterpreted and misunderstood
by some. And yet, write I must. I’ll do
my best to write as clearly as I know how. However, words and I do this dance
and success is not guaranteed.
I’m in the midst of giving birth to my dissertation. Not an
easy pregnancy but I am close to bring this baby to term. A tough topic for
sure but one that has meaning and one that must be told. It does have a life of
its own and I’m doing my best to articulate and explore. The process has been
transformative for me on a personal level.
However, I recently noticed something. I had an epiphany of
sorts. And now processing this new insight, I find a new awareness and
something that needs to be challenged. So here goes…
When did relationships and/or sex between men become
primarily reduced to issues of viral risk? Of viral transmission? What happened
to intimacy or sexuality? The assumption
is there, it’s always there. The topic
of gay men comes up and immediately the concept of “high risk practices” or “high
risk group” comes to mind. HIV/AIDS has been with us for so long, that for many
of us, myself included, it’s difficult to think of a time when this big disease
with a little name (thank you Prince) wasn’t tagging along for the ride. I don’t have a point of reference in my own
sexual experiences outside of the knowledge or fear of HIV. The year that the
CDC issued the MMWR that exploded across the world was 1982, the year I
graduated from high school. All of my encounters, all of my relationships, all
of my casual partners, all of my safer sex experiences, all of my not so safe
experiences, they are defined and informed by this virus. My identity is
somewhat based and influenced by HIV. As
an individual and as a sexual minority I have been defined by this.
I’m more than this. My brothers are much more than
this. Going back to what I wrote before,
what has happened to intimacy or sexuality? Whatever we are, we are more than
what we have settled for. I understand the medical jargon and the need for
classification and defining for purposes of characteristics. But, I’m tired of the HIV tag along that
comes with me, it’s like toilet paper stuck to the bottom of my shoe. I know
what people think when they see me and know that my affectional orientation is
geared towards men. I know because sometimes people say what they think, and
then I sit back and get a glimpse into how they perceive things. Folks from my
past become aware that I’m gay and then they say “well how long have you been
positive.” Or “I just assumed you were
poz.” I know the assumptions are there. And then they seem surprised if I
challenge their assumption. Or better yet, they become strangely silent when I
don’t challenge their statement. I’ll let you ruminate on that. I’m not going to play that game any longer. You
can think what you like.
When did it become acceptable to ask someone about their
serostatus in general conversation? Or
if it is revealed that someone is HIV positive, what makes it permissible to
ask “well how did you contract HIV?” it’s phishing for information; it’s also a
way to play the “blame game.” Stop it.
Understand what I am trying to say here. This is not a rant
about the fear of HIV, about internalization of HIV related stigma. I’m trying
to say (not very well) that my brothers and I are much more than this (labeling). In fact,
my positive and negative brothers – regardless of serostatus – we’re more than
this. We’re men. We’re men who love men. We’re men who have relationships, we
date, we fall in love, we fuck, we set up house, we’re faithful to our
partners, and we cheat on our SO, practice safe and not so safe sex. We do all
those things that people in any kind of relationship do.
I want to reclaim my sense of sexuality; however I chose to
express it. Does that make any sense? See us for what we are. So next time, try
and see us as something more than high risk and in need of the latest efforts
in disease prevention. When you are working with us, do more than tell us to
wrap it up with latex, maybe give us pointers of how to deepen and strengthen
our relationships and interactions with other men? We enjoy each other,
physically and emotionally. Sometimes we seek out friends for intimate play,
that in and of itself is honorable and between consensual adults. In that sense
I affirm a sexual positivity. However, understand that we do more than fuck; we
also desire what everyone wants out of relationships. It’s not always about the mechanics.
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